Throughout life I’ve experienced many different types of love. Some loves were selfish and manipulative. Some loves were friendly and fun. Some loves were codependent and superficial.

Yet there are some loves that shaped my understanding and experience of what it truly means to love and be loved.

Some loves touch the Divine. Some loves alter my DNA. And I appreciate them all.

Anthony, thank you for the kindness that runs through your veins. You showed me what love looks like in its most unselfish form and helped me see that we all deserve real love.

Christopher, thank you for your gentle nature. You showed me what it means to give and receive love unconditionally.

Roach, thank you for your generosity in all things life and love. You showed me how to adore and be adored.

Timothy, thank you for sharing the depths of your enormous heart. You showed me how courageous and giving love can be.

Mark, thank you for inspiring me with your limitless, compassionate love. You show me how to love myself and share this preciousness with life. You are the reason I am here. You show me the face of Infinite Divine Love every day. We are one. I love you.

My heartfelt gratitude goes out to all of the wonderful men and women of the world who uplift others with your beautiful love.

Xoxo

I say ‘my’ because we are inextricably linked. Even though I buried you in the deepest, darkest pit, you are always there waiting to cause me more pain. Now I shine the brightest light on your deeds and step into a place of power.

I lay my rage at your feet and watch the fire consume you. I smear your ashes on my skin, dance ecstatically, and absorb acceptance. Acceptance of myself and all of my experiences. Acceptance of who I continually choose to become.

So thank you all.

Thank you Justin & Larry for cheating on me. I learned the importance of treating other’s hearts with care and honesty.

Thank you Michael for manipulating my emotions and controlling my self-expression. I uncovered a deeper and more authentic understanding of what it means to be true to myself.

Thank you James for the bruises and fear. I learned to stand up for myself no matter how big and scary of a threat I face.

Thank you Kevin for placing your hands around my throat and threatening me. I learned to always speak up for myself and to never let anyone silence my voice again.

Thank you Professor Klinger for using your position of authority to make me feel sexually pressured and weak. I learned not to underestimate my own strength and to always honor my inner authority above all else.

Thank you Frank for drugging and raping me. I learned how to pay closer attention to my surroundings, listen to my instincts, and find compassion for those whose hurtful deeds reveal a soul in unfathomable pain.

And most importantly, thank you to myself for all the shame, blame, loathing, anger, resentment, and destructiveness you bestowed upon me. I learned how to be strong, resilient, and fully alive.

I know how to stand firmly rooted in self-love. I live life on my own terms – joyous, free, empathetic, and appreciative.

I am a

Visionary

Aesthete, a

Numinous

Immortal, a

Courageous

Explorer.

I see the beauty born from the pain and I embrace them both.

So thank you all for sharing your pain with me. Thank you.

Day 32.

Rhythms are on my mind today.

Heartbeat. Breath. Sleep. Crackling fire. Seasons. Drums. Footsteps. Planetary orbits. Rain. Woodpeckers. Digestion. Conversation. Poetry. Music. Crickets. Playing. Creating. Rest.

Rhythms surround me.
Life is made up of rhythms.

I feel myself slowing down as winter solstice approaches. I feel myself drawn into a slow primal rhythm of rest and hibernation. I feel myself drifting into a deep sleep.

In this sleep, i find renewal. In this rest, i find rejuvenation. In this hibernating, i find reconnection.

After a month of daily writings to share, i find myself retreating a bit. I will see you when i reawaken.

Love & Zzzzz,
Vanice